Miss B is four years old and I have come to the realization that she needs more than I can give her. Some women are great at being stay at home moms, it comes so naturally to them and they are able to fulfill their children's needs right up the their first day of school. I am not one of those women. Motherhood has never come naturally to me. I often find myself looking at her and feeling at a loss.
What am I supposed to do with this child?
It is not her educational requirements that I am not fulfilling, but her social ones. I knew that she would need to be with kids her own age, and so I enrolled her in lots of activities. Gymnastics, karate and soccer. But an hour a day a couple days a week it not enough for her, and even more, her new friends all go to preschool.
Preschool. I never intended to send her. I always thought that I could teach her everything she needed to know before she started kindergarten. Apparently kindergarten is a different beast than when I was five years old.
No more color wheels and play groups.
Apparently five year olds these days are learn art and philosophy along with how to share.
She keeps asking when she can go to school like her friends. She had become obsessed with school buses and stands at the window every afternoon to watch the bus drop kids off.
So after much debate, and scrutinizing of the finances (holy crap pre-school is EXPENSIVE!) The Big Kid and I have decided to let her go. I have to admit it makes me a little sad, and I'm not entirely sure why. This was not my plan, but nothing in motherhood goes as planned.
When you are a mommy of little kids, no subject is off limits, and sometimes we forget that other people still have a shred of decorum left and there are things they just don't want to hear and/or talk about.
The other day at Miss B's karate class, one of the ladies there noticed that Dimples was in a cloth diaper, and she said "oh I didn't know you were using cloth diapers"
I, of course, launched into a detail explanation about how I used to use disposal when we were out because his poops were so runny and I didn't want to carry that mess around with me. I followed up with a detailed description of his current, less messy poops.
Then I saw the totally grossed out look on her face.
Oops. The mommy overshare.
I'm guilty of this alot. Very guilty.
I need to remember that most people don't want to hear about poop or vomit, runny noses or rashes. That any mention of my kid is not an open invitation to recap every gross thing that I deal with on a daily basis.
And I get it. I'm not offended that other people are offended by my reality. Because that what it comes down to. Poop is a big party of my reality. With a four year old, a one year old, a dog and a bunny I am queen of the poop.
I'm sure there will come a point in my life when my kids are older, and they take care of their own bathroom business, that poop will gross my out again. For now, I will try to save my thoughts on these topics for the mommy blog.
When Miss B was born, and I brought her home and began my new life as a Mother, I was so eager and impatient. She was such a good sleeper - and since she was my first I had no idea how good I had it! We would have to tickle her little toes and undress her so she would wake up and eat. I would stare at her for sometimes hours, just thinking WAKE UP AND DO SOMETHING!
Of course now she's four and all I really want is for her to GO TO SLEEP!
So when Dimples came along, I was a little bit wiser, and a lot more patient. No hurry here. He can take as long as he wants to start walking and talking (talking-back that is!)
But he has different ideas. He will be one next week and last night he took his first timid, wobbly steps. Four of them from the safety of the sofa's edge to his sister, who had a Popsicle. It was the Popsicle he was after, I know.
When Miss B. started walking at around 13 months, I clapped and cheered for her.
What were we thinking with all of that carrying on and encouragement? *face palm*
But like I said, more experienced now..so when I turned and saw my son walking I just stared at him with a mix of excitement (because it is an important milestone) and DREAD.
I'M NOT READY!!!!
I mean, I knew this was coming, because he's recently started letting go and just standing there, but I was hoping to have a little more time. It seems like after the walking things just start happening so much faster. Then they're running and talking and getting ready for school and growing up....big breath.
I'm not ready for my son to start growing up. Even though I had the same year with him I had with my daughter I feel like it went by sooo much faster.
*sigh*
But ready or not, here he comes.
Miss B has been BEGGING for weeks now to get her ears pierced. She's only four, and I always thought she'd be a little bit older before I let her.
But as it goes with parenting nothing works out like you thought.
She's has bent her self over backwards to show me what a big girl she is. She's been cleaning her room and helping with her brother, trying to prove her level of responsibility. So, after talking to my husband, We agreed I would take her.
Yesterday I surprised her with a trip to the mall. There's going to be some gasps here, but this is the first time in her four years of life that she's ever been to the mall. Her friend came along and we had a full on girls day. She got her ears pierced - barely even flinched! - and we had ice cream and went to bath and body works where I let her pick out a sample size bottle of scented sanitizer.
The day was fun - and exhausting. What's more, though, it felt like a milestone in her life and our relationship as mother and daughter. She's transiting now and on top of teacher her about manners and right and wrong, I also get to teach her about being a girl. This is the part of having a daughter that I was really looking forward to.
Yesterday, while driving by a cemetery, Miss B asked about the flowers and headstones. She wanted to know about that place. She thought it looked pretty. I usually have a sort of "open" policy when it comes to telling her stuff. I try to be as honest as possible, while keeping things on a level her four year old brain can comprehend. This one gave me pause.
This past spring, right before Easter, a friend of mine and her five year old son died tragically in a house fire. While we didn't take Miss B to the viewing or funeral, I couldn't hide my sadness in those days. I wasn't sure what to explain to her, but I knew she would be asking about her friend, when she would see him and play with him. Explaining death to someone so young is difficult. They don't really understand.
Ever since then, Miss be has sort of had this - I don't know if fascination is the right word - but she frequently asks if people are dead or are going to die. I'll say "don't let your brother get that, he might choke on it" and sometimes she responds with, "and then he'll die?"
After a few minutes, I decided to stick with my honest is best policy and I explained to her what that place was. She was very quite for a long time and didn't say anything else about it. It's times like these I really wish I could hear her inner dialogue and know what she is thinking.
If there was ever a need for an instruction manual on parenting, I think it would be for this.
Learning to share is hard. For Me. Learning to share is hard for me.
Yesterday Miss B. wanted to color. We had racked up on fifty cent boxes of crayons at the beginning of August when all the school supplies were on sale. So I got her a box and me a box. I LOVE new crayons. Freshly sharpened, not broken, paper still neatly wrapped around the crayon. She had a Care Bears coloring book and I had a Lisa Frank one. Anyone else remember when Lisa Frank was all the rage? Things were going well, and then, she wanted to color MY picture.
To some people this is no big deal, but to the crazy obsessive ones likes me this is a HUGE dilemma. I should teach her to share. It's NOT a big deal. It's JUST a coloring page.
Except I already had the color scheme all worked out, and she wanted to color my purple unicorn brown and she doesn't color in the lines.
Sigh
I wanted to take my coloring book and hide in the closet to finish my picture uninterrupted. Instead, I closed my eyes and handed over the coloring book to my four year old daughter. Later when my husband got home she proudly showed him the picture that she and mommy colored together. My husband was impressed - with me. And I stayed up late after she went to bed coloring a new picture.
My son is a climber.
Like seriously. The other day he was in his high chair and I turned around and he was standing on the tray with his hands on the back and one foot over the side about to jump off. This is new territory for me. Miss B. was always happy to stay put on the floor and play with her toys. She NEVER got into things.
Or on top of them.
He's only ten months, but the crib is already in the lowest position because he tried to climb out of that too. He has long legs (from his daddy, not me) and if he can get he leg on something, he climbs it.
So gone are my days of putting him somewhere safe for a little while while I get something done. Because with the climbing on top of stuff, comes the falling off of stuff.
It is not her educational requirements that I am not fulfilling, but her social ones. I knew that she would need to be with kids her own age, and so I enrolled her in lots of activities. Gymnastics, karate and soccer. But an hour a day a couple days a week it not enough for her, and even more, her new friends all go to preschool. 
